MY DIARY!!

[Read this first - http://floatingmemories92.blogspot.in/2013/10/her-diary.html ]

DAY 43 - Joggers Park somehow became my new home. Living alone in Nadia wasn't supposed to be a pleasant and romantic adventure at such a late age. However, it was solely my decision to make a shift over from Kolkata. I was staying at a nearby old homage along with 40 other hopeless friends. As usual, I went over to the park sharp at 4:30 pm. I was wearing my Liverpool Jersey today. A jersey that was once gifted to me by someone. I am 62 years now and I still have it with me and in so many years, it has finally fitted me well. I sat at one end of the green bench overlooking the gorgeous pool. I had the evening newspaper with me. I started reading when I suddenly realized, an elderly lady who was wearing a blue kurti, sat beside me on the other end of the bench. I don't know what happened to me, but that blue kurti made me remember someone. A certain someone who gifted me the Liverpool jersey. I was too afraid to look at her. But the blue kurti she was wearing was somewhat similar to the one I used to drool over some 40-42 years ago. 

She started talking to me about the weather. I was too nervous to even look at her. I think she felt bad about it. But I had no other options. The way she dressed herself, I couldn't help but notice that even at such an old age she looked quite fit. She started talking about her son Danish. She told me there was some problem going at her place and her daughter in law was also not treating her properly. At the old homage, Suresh and Dinu always come up with such stories and bore me to death. But this lady seemed somehow different. I couldn't follow her up properly especially because the way she dressed and talked to me. A distant memory of a certain Delhi girl popped up and her face became clear to me once again. 

She said her name was Devika and she was from Hyderabad. Quite a fancy one. She looked unhappy and I made it difficult for her because I was too nervous to even look at her and smile a bit. I saw her chant some evening prayer facing the sun and then she left off. I didn't get to see her face clearly. I felt a sudden urge of excitement and I don't remember the last time I had such a feeling. I have been a widower for the last 6 years and have stayed alone at my Kolkata house. Shifting to Nadia was a hard decision but I had to do something to get away from the memories. 

DAY 44 - She came back again today. I made sure I reach joggers park early. Today she was wearing a blue churidar. She came and sat beside me. I understood she was waiting for me to start up the conversation. But I don't know why, I did not wish to talk to her at all. But a surprising urge to listen to her words bestowed upon me like I have known her for a long time. I was very much aware of the time she took, to hold her patience and eventually give up on it. It was 8 minutes and 42 seconds. I carried a paper with me where I wrote "hello". But the moment it accidently flew out of my pocket I made sure I do not take up that stunt of behaving like the dumbest person alive. She left early. She looked in a hurry. I wished she had stayed for a little bit longer but she didn't look back when I watched her leave. It was alright. Maybe she was in a hurry and talking to me wasn't the most important thing today. 

Day 45 - The sudden urge to meet someone had stayed away from my soul for a pretty long time now. Even before I got married, I somehow got so much busy with my works that the urge of getting a girlfriend and the concept of roaming around entire Kolkata vanished away long ago. I am 62 now and approaching a certain age I will be virtually prohibited from thinking about the opposite gender.
I reached joggers park early. I sat there for almost 40 minutes without looking to the other side of the bench. The clock struck 5. She was supposed to reach the place by then. But there was no sign of her. I started to worry. I assumed she was nowhere near to me, I started looking around for her. I started to look at everyone who went past me. I am sure nobody took me as a sane person for that period of time. I looked around. She was nowhere. Then suddenly...I made eye contact with her. I don't know what happened but I probably saw someone I had met long ago. The way she dressed, the way she looked at me... I felt a sudden joy in my soul and a satisfaction that has not been there for a long time. A happiness that kick started once again after a long long time. I saw her leave. I made sure I don't over react. Why was she nervous? She just walked past me as if she had seen something scary. Am I that scary? I need to check myself out in the mirror. Off I go. 

Day 46 - She told me she had made Palak Paneer for her son. She kept telling me about how much her son used to like it when he was young. They way she described her daughter in law's cooking abilities, it became very difficult for me to hold on to my laughter. But I had to. She said Danish, her son, didn't eat the Palak Paneer she made for him. She was sad. I knew she was very upset. Only if it was possible for me to go and hug her tightly.. Maybe she would have felt a bit happier. I was very angry at her son. His mother made his favorite food and he simply forgot to eat it? How pathetic can a man become and grow up to be a slave of his wife and not pay any heed to his old mother? Oh btw, the way she came up to me and started complaining.. I somehow felt I must be the most important person in her life now. She didn't know me. I was a complete stranger to her. But in a couple of days, I became her favorite stranger. I did not want to create any disturbance and express my expert opinion. I understood that despite having initial problems of me being quiet, she actually likes it now cause maybe I won't be correcting her at all. She trusts me by sharing all her problems to me. I did not want to break that trust by replying to her. 

I had a same situation long ago when I wished I was able to run up to her and give her a tight hug and everything will be alright again. But I couldn't do anything about her. She used to share everything with me, maybe with a hope that I'll make her feel brilliant again. But I failed. I couldn't go up to her and tell her everything is absolutely fine. 

But its ok! It's been a long time and suddenly Devika comes into my life. She shares so many things with me. I was thinking today, if I wasn't available to her, maybe this entire situation would have kept building inside her. I felt it was my duty to at least listen to her words until she gets back her happiness. 

DAY 47 - I did not have any energy to go to Joggers Park today. I felt feverish and have been coughing since early morning. The nurses here gave me some medicine and said I'll be alright by lunchtime. But nothing improved. But I had to visit Jogger park because she would be coming over there. I was absolutely correct. There she was wearing a beautiful red kurti and a Patiala and was looking so elegant. I wish I had the guts to change my trademark position while talking to her and admire her beauty while she kept talking to me. I had a scarf around my neck so that the cold doesn't catch up anymore. My constant coughing was an unnecessary disturbance to the entire monologue. Today also Danish did not have lunch with her. Why are her children so heartless. They have an old lady staying alone almost the entire day but they are too cold hearted to even talk to her properly. She said so many things to me today. She looked really unhappy. I was too afraid to break the jinx. She did not mind though. She was satisfied with the fact that she has a listener in her life who doesn't react to her words. To be honest, if I had the guts to talk to her, I would have given her full support for what she has been dealing with. She looked worried about my health condition, but I would have no way left that bench until she was gone. She continued talking about her childhood days and how lovely was her son when they used to play at their Hyderabad balcony until he became a slave to his wife Aarti. Only if her family understood the pain they provide her...... Such shameless people.. Good night for now...

DAY 48 - I had no idea it was her birthday today. She seemed so overjoyed. Not because it was her birthday, but because her family was actually behaving rudely with her only to give her a nice surprise on her birthday. Her voice sounded so jolly. She was wearing an off white Salwar Kameez. She later revealed that it was a gift from her son Danish. Her grand daughter and grand son all sang the Happy Birthday song to her. Oh how long has it been that anybody has sung that song to me!!! She looked very gorgeous today. The way she looked happy and at peace. The grin on her face never seemed to fade away as she shared all the moments on how she celebrated her 61st birthday. I had a piece of paper with me. I somehow managed to write "Happy Birthday to you my lady. You look the best when you are happy. Do not lose this smile. My job here is done. Stay blessed". But as usual I did not have the guts to even pass on the note to her. She looked so amazing as her face kept glowing under the setting sun. She left after an hour long session of complete monologue. I looked at her and smiled for a couple of seconds just as she turned towards her home. I got back my senses and immediately shifted my vision in a complete different direction. 

I watched her go. I have seen that smile before. Only just the previous one was a little bit more gorgeous. I somehow stuck up the piece of paper under the Green Bench so that it doesn't fly away and also grabs her attention the next time she comes here. 

Today was my last day at Joggers Park. My job there was done. All these years of not being able to make someone happy when she desperately needed it, somewhat received a certain amount of satisfaction after I saw Devika smile and act so joyous. 

I wish I had made that young lady of my life, happy, when she needed that happiness desperately. She trusted me and asked me to make her happy. I was so nervous to even crack a proper joke. I fell in love with her. She memories still linger around me. Devika just came into my life 6 days ago. She probably resemblances that certain someone, I met a long time ago. The Blue kurti and the Red churidar made me recollect those fond memories that I had when I was 20 and she was 19. She got back her happiness sooner than she expected but I couldn't bring it up to her quick enough. 
I complete my diary here. This was not about Devika but the one whom she resembled. It was a good day after all. 

HER DIARY!!

"DAY 5" - I sat there looking at him. He was wearing a scarf round his neck. I have never seen him wear that scarf before. It was mid October and nobody is supposed to feel that cold. He started coughing after a while. I understood he had probably caught cold.

Are you alright?" Do you need to go back home now?

As usual he did not respond. He didn't even look towards me as I kept telling him about what happened today morning.

Danish didn't have lunch with me. His wife had left home early morning. He said he will come back within lunch time. But he was late and when I asked him to have lunch with me he gave me such a disgusted look. He was very busy I guess. I just ate a pair of bread before coming over to the hillside.

I am wearing a red kurti. Too much show off for a 60 year old woman? Oh who cares! 

He kept his head towards the same direction I have always seen him in. He hardly moves from his place. He looks to be just a couple of years elder to me but he never talks to me. I know he listens to everything I say. I always bore him with stories of Danish and his wife but he never leaves. Maybe he is just too polite to go away. Today I thought he was very sick. He kept coughing and sneezing a lot. I asked him to go back home but he didn't pay any heed to my words.

***********************************************************************************************

"DAY 1" - Today something strange happened. After being abused by Danish's wife, I somehow consoled myself and stayed in my room for the next 4 hours. Nobody asked me to have lunch. When I went out of the room to bring the GEETA, I realized there was nobody in the house. Nobody even bothered to tell me that they were leaving. I felt scared. I locked the door and decided to take a stroll to the nearby hilltop park. I have heard that people of my age go over there every day for evening walks. I thought maybe I shall talk to someone and feel lighter. I wasn't wrong and there were so many people of my age walking down along the park. There were people who shared jokes and kept laughing as they walked past me. I saw couples of my age sharing some nice romantic moments beside the pool. The fresh air suddenly made me realize I wasn't that alone what I assumed myself to be. I kept walking all around the park until I realized I was too old to cover the entire area.. I found an empty bench and sat over there but I soon realized it was my poor eyesight that deceived me and I wasn't the only person sitting on the bench. Another person who looked a bit elder to me was sitting there on the other side of the bench. He looked in good shape and was wearing a track suit and a T shirt which looked more like a football jersey. I tried to follow his eyesight and locate the thing he kept staring at but couldn't find anything interesting.

Hello! The weather is pretty nice today, Don't you think?

Surprisingly, he did not reply back to me. He behaved as if he didn't even hear a single thing that I said.

This is my first stay at the joggers parks. I shifted to Nadia a few months ago due to my deteriorating health conditions. The doctor prescribed this place. I didn't want to move away from Hyderabad but my son Danish insisted on shifting. To be honest, I actually like this place. Such greenery everywhere and what a pleasant climate in this part of the country. 

My name is Devika!! And you are?

He did not respond again. He just sat there looking at something and did not respond to anything I said. I felt a little bit offended so I decided to get back. It was already getting a bit late so I decided to chant my evening prayers facing the setting sun and on doing so, I slowly and steadily got back home.

"DAY 2" - Today I again visited the joggers park. After taking a small walk beside the pool I sat at the exact same bench like yesterday. To my utter surprise, I saw that man sitting in the exact position like he was sitting yesterday. It just seemed like a continuation of yesterday, only just I wasn't wearing my red kurti today. I did not initiate the conversation like yesterday. I waited for the moment when he will start speaking. But he did not. I sat there for about 8 minutes but he did not say anything. In the meantime, the only movement he made was to pick up a piece of paper than accidently fell off from his pocket. 

Somehow I felt that even without talking to me, he was observing me. I did not like the situation at all. I felt insecure with the presence of an old man who quite specifically doesn't move. 

I had to come back home early as Smitha and her husband were supposed to visit me and have dinner at my place. But they didn't show up.

"DAY 3" - It was the same story today. I kind of fell for the entire atmosphere in the joggers park. Wherever I looked, I saw happiness prevailing in every other human being walking around the park. Despite all the stupid situations in our lives, I somehow understood that happiness can be gained only if you search for it at the right place and there I was, standing in the middle of it. 

I saw him sitting at the exact same place like the previous two days, To be honest, I somehow found him interesting and wanted to know about him more. But he never replied to what I said. Today he was looking a bit different. He wasn't wearing the red football jersey. Instead he actually looked more handsome. He was wearing a cute looking full sleeve black and white T shirt and a black track pant. But I was adamant today. I decided not to sit on the bench. Instead I sat on another bench placed straight across the passage. It wasn't far away from his bench. Just as the clock struck 5, I saw him checking his watch repeatedly. He seemed to be a bit restless and was probably looking for something. Just as he was searching for something, we made a very unpleasant eye contact. But....

I don't know what happened. They way he looked at me when he saw me. I don't know how to describe it. But he looked like he got what he was searching for. He stopped looking around for it. He saw me and so did I. Something struck me. I couldn't sit there longer. I had to leave. I saw him get back to his original position as if nothing happened. I was scared even though I wanted to get back to his bench and share a small story. I did not have the guts to look at him again. But why?

"DAY 4" - I didn't go for a walk today. I straightaway headed towards the bench and as expected, he was there. I sat at the end of the bench and managed to look at him but very carefully. He was sitting in his trademark style. I just hoped he would, at least once, look at me and smile so that I feel a little bit more comfortable while talking to him. I was equally irritated and attracted towards him.

"You know I cooked palank paneer today. It's Danish's favorite dish. He used to love it whenever I used to make it during his childhood days. But now Aarti, my daughter in law cooks for him. She hardly cooks though. I had once tasted her food and trust me, I never ever tried that stunt again. They always have lunch and dinner outside. They are very busy people. I make my own food. Today I made some Palak Paneer and Danish asked me to pack it up for him. I did that but he left very early. He must have forgotten to take the lunch box with him"

I realized he was actually listening to me. Despite looking towards a completely different side, I felt like he was actually paying a lot of attention to my words. But I knew he won't respond to me. So I didn't ask him about his opinions ever. It felt good to share your stories with someone who would at least not respond negatively or judge you.

"DAY 6" - 

I am so happy today. It's my birthday today and Danish, Aarti all gave me such a pleasant surprise. Vineeta and her 2 year old brother Rayaz were standing beside my bed with a small pastry when I woke up. All of them started singing "Happy birthday to nani" the moment I woke up. I don't remember when I was so happy the last time. Danish gifted me an off white Salwar Kameez. See! I am wearing that now. How do I look? 
You know Vineeta gave me a small kiss on my cheeks and wished me happy birthday. I am just so happy, I can't describe it to you. Aarti made lunch for me today and I can't believe she cooked such nice foods. 

I kept talking so much but he didn't look back. At least today I expected him to wish me Happy Birthday, but as usual, he did not even turn back to look at me.
I saw him write something on a piece of paper but had no idea what was it. I was too happy to get mad at him. I understood Danish, Vineeta, Aarti all were pretending to behave badly with me so that they can give me this excellent surprise on my birthday. Everything looked so jovial around me. I stayed quiet for a while and looked at him. Somehow I wished that I was 19 and he was 20 and he would wish me Happy Birthday by holding my hands and I'd probably blush a little. Oh what was I thinking. I moved one year closer to my death bed and there I was, thinking about some unrealistic teenage possibilities.

Just as I was about to leave, I thought maybe he looked at me and smiled. I turned behind to check but there he was, unmoved by any story of mine, sitting there in the exact same position as if nothing was said to him.
However the grin on my face didn't get much affected with his behavior as I realized that I don't need to come away from my house every day to search for happiness in a different place.

"DAY 7" - Somehow I couldn't resist myself in coming back to the park. The strange man has successfully made me curious enough to walk up almost 500 meters from my house. That too, to communicate with someone who doesn't respond. I was extremely surprised to see that nobody was sitting there today. I looked around but there was no sight of him. I approached towards the bench and saw a piece of paper peeping itself out from beneath the parralled green benchwoods. I took it out and opened it and there it was written "Happy Birthday to you my lady. You look the best when you are happy. Do not lose this smile. My job here is done. Stay blessed"

I didn't know how to react. I had known this person for a week now and this is the first time that he has actually responded. I did not understand by what he meant to say by "My job here is done" but I felt happier than yesterday. I wished he was there to see me happy. I kept giggling carefully as I got back home and kept the piece of note inside my GEETA.

"DAY 14" - I have not written for almost 7 days now. I went to the joggers park every day and wished he was there like before waiting for me to listen to my stories. But he never showed up. I don't know why he came into my life but those 6 days became very special to me. I shared some unhappy moments with him. He was there and I know, he listened to everything carefully. He was there when I had none to share my feelings. He went away when he saw everything was alright. Who was he? 

INCOMPLETE HOMEWORK!!

Somehow I couldn't run fast enough to win a medal during the annual sports competitions. Somehow in every other school that I have studied, there were always some "daddy long legs" who used to take up a fast sprint and finish way ahead of me. I started off with an urge to play cricket at a nearby coaching center. My dad always had the same reply, "How many medals have you won till date". Somehow he used to successfully compare the game of cricket with plain simple athletism. I used to watch Sourav Ganguly run and.... Oh I wish!!

Every time I brought up the interest of taking up cricket, certain innovative and creative replies came out from my parent's mouth. "Cricket is a very competitive sport, you won't get your chances". "Cricket is a rich man's game, those who are playing in clubs pay up a lot of money to get into state teams" "In order to play cricket you must speak good English" My maths teacher used to support my parent's approach so much. He always brought up the name of Debasish Mohanty who unfortunately couldn't continue playing for the national side because of supposedly poor English speaking abilities. The academic qualifications was not the most important objective for my parents. It was the only one. I somehow always wanted to lie down on the field and feel the fresh air. Maybe I wasn't any kind of expert in any particular field of sports but the urge to be a part of it had been there since I was just 5. The day my dad predicted that Sachin will be hitting a SIX in the very next ball, I somehow felt to be a part of this world of sports. I continued with my painting and hopefully some people do praise it. But everytime I get inside the football field, notwithstanding the game I play, a sudden rush of happiness bestows upon me until I leave the field after 2 hours of complete running around the yard. Be it football, cricket, tennis, badminton, hockey or even F1, the entire agenda of sports attracts me more than a hot sexy pornstar stripping naked.
I fell in love with Liverpool during the 2005 champions league season even before they actually won it. The day I heard, "Oh Ya beauty!! What a hit son! What a hit!! I knew Liverpool was made for me and vice versa. I can blame myself for not being rebellious enough to get into any kind of sports during my school days. In all arguments my parents came out clear cut winners with their policies to define sports as an unrealistic dream to achieve. But somehow my dad couldn't even stay awake from the tv whenever India, KKR or even East Bengal hammered their opponents. The only sporting liability was supposedly me.

I got into college and the pressure of digging my face inside my books loosened up a lot. My parents were pretty much convinced me about being a top class loser who will never achieve anything in life. Dad always gave me an option of opening up a grocery store nearby and start working up there. Mom seemed helpless in those situations. Even she had given up her hopes. But somehow I realized I wasn't that weak to give up. The concept of screening wasn't at all popular in Kolkata. I gave it a kick start with 15 odd members when we together watched Liverpool vs Arsenal on 16th August, 20011. There was no looking back after that. With several screenings under our belt and two huge football tournaments, Bengal Kop today is one of the most popular football bodies in Kolkata. Sometimes I get greeted in the streets by people who tells me that they have seen my photo in newspapers and have wished me to take Bengal Kop at a top most level.
There has never been a single thing in my life that I have ever given up. Be it relationships, career or even designing the entire Durga Puja pandal with hay.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, I shall not only prove to this world but also to myself that the patience has eventually paid off. I will not give up till the end. Amidst pressurizations from my parents or relatives I shall never compromise with what I crave to achieve. This is neither a challenge nor a show off. But a simple promise made to myself that I will keep till the very end. An incomplete homework. A wishful dream. 

Mother Sister Poem!!

Talking to you my sweetheart..
Embracing my favorite crimes..
Talking to you with your silence..
Even your breaths are my rhymes..

Till dusk do you stay apart..
And come back with a morning smile..
Till the dawn you break my heart..
Yet a smile that stays forever but a while..

You speak much to me..
And relate me your dreams
You stay quiet with me..
But the nightingale never stops to sing...

Your voice lingers in me..
With your beautiful face..
Your thoughts defy my fantasies..
I'll just end up losing the race..

With just a hope..
And lots of happiness..
With a little bit love..
You are my loneliness..

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!

Mr. Verma was sitting in his balcony armchair waiting for his son to come back home. A joyous optimistic feeling was filled in his heart. He had just returned from the mithai shop, a couple of blocks away from his place. Meanwhile Mrs. Verma was busy making some samosas for her son. The long grin on her face had vanished away for a long time. Finally the day had arrived where the entire family could sit together at the dinner table and talk about Rajeev's first day at office.

"Are you done yet? My son will be arriving soon!!"

"Yes yes, just a little bit left. By the way, he is also my son"

"Oh stop with your drama and complete making those samosas, he will be here any minute"

"You just stay over there and keep shut, I will complete my work before he gets back home"

Mr. Verma looked over the balcony pillar to see if a man in white shirt, black trousers and grey tie was anywhere within his eyesight. It was half past seven and Rajeev could be back home any minute. 

Rajeev got a job in the bank after overcoming several competitive exams. His parents were so proud of him. They could finally reveal to the world that their son has got a government job. Mr. Verma had already informed Rajeev's masi and her husband about his job. They were the one who eagerly "motivated" him in getting a safe and secured job instead of "playing around with a football". A deep proud voice was heard several times that day as Mr Verma kept calling all  his relatives and informed them about the good news. 

Mrs. Verma placed a huge plate of samosas on the dinner table. Suddenly the door bell rang. Mrs. Verma almost ran towards the main door and peeped through the "magic eye". 

"Oh! It's just my sister and her husband", whispered Mrs. Verma to an excited Mr. Verma who was about to trip over the balcony mattress. 

After a short session of fake congratulations and appreciation with Rajeev's parents both Mr. and Mrs. Burman started sharing some foreign stories about their daughter who has been studying microbiology in the US. 

"Hey Geeta! Did you transfer 50,000 rupees to my account today?" inquired Mr. Verma 

"No! I did not go out of the house today and why would I transfer money to my husband's account"

"I just received a sms which says that someone has deposited 50,000 to my bank account"

"Oh don't worry! Go over to the bank tomorrow morning and update the pass book"

Mrs. Verma continued chatting with her sister and her husband while Mr. Verma moved over to the balcony corner and eagerly layed his eyes in search for his homecoming son.

Suddenly the bedroom cordless rang up. Mrs. Verma stopped her husband and moved onto receive the call.

"Hello, am I speaking to Mrs. Geeta Verma, mother of Rajeev Verma?"

"Yes, speaking!! Can you say anything about my son's whereabouts? He was supposed to reach home by 7:15 but it's already 8 o'clock"

"Mrs. Verma, we have a very tragic news for you. Can you please come over to the bank and have a look at it?"

The bedroom light suddenly seemed to fade away into a world that Rajeev has always described to his mother. Even before leaving for his first day at office, he kissed his Liverpool scarf. Mrs. Verma still remembers the few words her son said before leaving, "Ma, the 50,000 I earned while working for my club wasn't enough for me to visit the place I always wanted to..."

GREAT EXPECTATIONS!!

टूटी चारपाई वोही.. 

ठंडी पुरवाई रास्ता देखे..

ढूंढो की मलाई वोही...

मिट्टी की सुराही रास्ता देखे....

तुझको पुकारे तेरी परछाइयाँ....!!

Somehow this song always gifts me the strength when I need it. It takes me away from this real world and lands me into my fantasies where I am stronger than anybody. It gives me the strength to leave when I desperately want to stay. I can't control anybody. Certain expectations seem so GREAT that I myself get convinced that the other person will feel it as a burden to satisfy me.

When you feel connected to somebody, isn't it natural to expect things from the other person? She loiters in your thoughts the entire day like a carefree person who is the only source of happiness to you. But it's all right!! Things have happened in your past. Things that have made you stone cold but not heartless. You somehow get the courage to restrict yourself in moving forward. 

But is it truly a restriction? Or just an afraid soul scared to move ahead and feel the blissful moments of being in love? You are not sure of it. You claim you are strong and maybe you are actually very strong. But you don't wish to be strong. You want to allow the person to hurt you with an expectation that she will come back and kiss the corner of your lips and make you smile again.

But that won't happen and you know it well. You are prepared to deal with any situation like that. You don't allow her to hurt you. You make sure you don't continue expressing your stupid feelings to her every now and then which might make her uncomfortable. You prefer hiding most of the things because she told you not to count on her. Oh! You are perfectly fine with it. You know you love her but she doesn't. But it's all right with you. You don't even know how you are supposed to react or behave if someday mistakenly she falls for you too. But that's never going to happen and hence you don't need to worry about that.

You met her somewhere you didn't expect her to respond. She has always been so nice to you. Even if she pretends to be an ugly person to you, you will know it. Be it an un-kept hair or a messed up mind, you somehow always successfully find her the most gorgeous person alive. 

A deadline to fall out of love? Lol. In the past two months you somehow got an offer to have sex with one and get into a relationship with another pretty bong girl. Nothing distracted you. This will just continue. The best part? It's not dependant upon her rescipocrative feelings. You have assumed her to be your happiness. 

You know where your ultimate happiness lies.... Someday...

"The first time you get to say "I love you too" to the person you have been in love with for a long time"

TOMORROW WILL SURELY COME!!

Another hectic day before the Puja starts. I got back home at around 10 pm today and my mom seemed to be completely freaked out. However, I understood the frightful situation in her mind and steadily moved into my bedroom. The phone battery was low so I had to put it on charge, completely ignoring all the unseen messages. I was just about to leave the room when she messaged me in whatsapp. She inquired whether I was going to call her at night. 

I knew the answer even before the question came up. It's always a pleasant experience to talk to her and what can be better when she herself asks me whether I can call her up or not. This blog might seem extremely cheeky/cheesy/melodramatic for the person who is reading this. So it's completely your wish whether you want to continue or leave it right here.

Shssssss!! 

"Hey There Delilah.... What's it like...", I kept humming.

Shssssss

What happened? Why are you "sushuing" me?

I heard something!

What did you hear?

Something like stones were rolled on my floor.

Hush! Nothing has happened. Stay calm. Relax....

No. I heard. Krish I am scared.

Do you need a hug?

Maybe..

Can I give you a hug?

No.

..........

............

............

Oh don't worry! Nothing has appended. Relax Edam... Trust me it's nothing.

But I did hear a noise and it's scary...

No don't worry. There is no ghost in your room.

Oh Stop mentioning about that!!

Those scary expressions of her!! Only if it was possible for me to literally make her understand that there was no ghost in the room. I did try to understand but she apparently failed to believe me.

She started recollecting all her childhood stories and some really scary yet funny incidents in her life. It was fun to know certain childhood stories of the person you.... Anyway..!! 

She brought up a story about her maid and her mom and that was so funny but the way she described it, I kind of had goosebumps. 

Ketchup.

Ketchup?

Yes?

Ketchup?

Yes...

I love you...

I am already scared.. Don't freak me out..

____________

...........

__________

..........................

What if I don't see a tomorrow?

The moment she said this, I somehow felt so miserable. What if? The entire Delhi trip along with all the fun time that I imagined seemed to move away from me. I was trying to hold them back. All the imaginations, all the fantasies, I somehow started losing them.. Why would she say anything like that?

Delhi, it was only because of her. She doesn't know it! Does She?

What? What do you mean?

Nah, suppose one day I don't see a tomorrow. Will you tell my parents that I love them?

Stop that. Everything is fine.

What if I don't see tomorrow? Will you tell my parents I love them? Will you tell Joy that I loved him very much? You will have to come to Chandigarh and tell it to him...

That was enough for me to take-in in one single night. She wasn't helping me at all after I slipped with the "I love you" phrase. She completely overlooked it. But that's all right, it's not an issue. She started talking about "not being able to see tomorrow". Why would she say something like that? Ain't she supposed to be that jolly good girl I always think about. Somehow, in the most dramatic way, that topic completely freaked me out. Only if I was able to express it properly, she would have probably stopped talking about it. She brought up Joy's name and asked ME to inform him that she loved him a lot. Me?  :) 

Maybe I was right when I decided to hide up everything cause this is exactly what I feared? She explained me the other night and asked me to be more open to her and not pretend. I didn't pretend today. It did take a lot of guts to say those three melodramatic words to her. Lol. It's alright. I know she was very scared to even pay attention. These little stupid expectations destroys all the happiness within you for a while and the situation piles in such a manner that you ultimately react in a particular way which you regret until she understands your position. I was wrong to disconnect the phone on her face. But it was hurting. I had to make a quick shift adjustment to those imaginations where she is never the reason for my sorrow.

Like always, she only has the permission to be my happiness. 

GREAT EXPECTATIONS!!

Oh what a bloody hectic day!! 

The festive season is knocking around the corner and there I was, doing all the necessary shopping for the society's Durga Puja. I had to stand there for 4 freaking hours until the shopkeeper completed packing everything. Two heavy bags which weighed more than 30 kilos was carried by just Sontu da and me. 

The day was supposed to be special. It's the beginning of "Devi Pakshya". It's Mahalaya. 

I downloaded a 81mb mp3 file of Birendra Krishna Bhadra's "Mahishasura Mardini"  the previous night and wanted to play it loud from my PC so that the entire neighborhood wakes up to the beautiful chants and the story of Durga. 

I set my alarm at 4:15 am but kept hitting the snooze button after every 10 minutes. I woke up eventually at 9:00 am and again went back to sleep. So the early morning fun just vanished off due to my stupid sleeping habit.

A half sleepy message "Come to me. Come here". A dream that was so pretty. A dream about her lying down, with me embracing her from behind and my lips touching her neck. Oh no no! I don't even have the guts to ask her to hold my hand over the phone.

Sounds cheesy. Ain't it? Ha-ha. I know. But it's alright. I don't mind anymore! Do I? Even if I do, I am no way going to admit that.

For the last 2 weeks I had packed up any kind of "affectionate" feeling inside an unknown suitcase and hidden it in a place I am myself not aware of. But last night, I said something I wasn't supposed to say. A feeling I decided to control so that it doesn't make me unhappy. But why did I say that? Damn. Stupid control.

I never really got a reply to that silly early morning, the half sleepy message. But then again, it' alright as usual. I have restricted my expectations to a certain limit which makes me happy even to a hello of her's.

A smile that shows off when she messages me herself. A grin that fails to hide when she laughs over the phone like the most gorgeous lady laughing in the middle of the park, completely carefree and the crowd looking at her with jealousy in their eyes.

Like always, she is my happiness. She is not a person based upon my needs. She is somebody I want. Only if she understood the difference, I wanted to explain.  

Oh, it's time to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. 

Till then Tatta! 

EARLY MORNING HELLO!

What a stupid climate we are having in Kolkata right now. The morning starts off with a cold but humid condition. The day seems to be pretty hot. It starts raining in the afternoon and it gets back to being hot at night. To sum up, it's basically an idiotic gloomy weather right now. 

Dad is busy and so is Mom. Durga Puja is coming up within the next one week or so. A vacation is surely not possible now, despite me craving for it to get away from this unhappy weather. 

I watched this Brad Pitt Zombie movie today, named World War Z. Pretty nice I'd say as the plot is quite different from any other zombie movies like Zombieland, Resident Evil, Warm Bodies or even that lunatic Hindi movie Go Goa Gone. God knows why someone would make a Zombie Movie like that in India and cast Saif Ali Khan in it. Zombies in Bollywood and Saif Ali Khan in Bollywood, both don't work anyhow and the director placed them in the very same project. If this was an ideal world, weed would have been made legal before these types of movies were allowed to get released in cinema halls. 

Ok lets not get diverted from the topic. What was I talking about? Err..... 

*The weather*

Yes yes... The weather.. Thanks mate.. 

So there I was, blaming the Kolkata weather for being such a pain in the ass. Nobody wishes to wake up in the morning and feel so clumsy with all this stupid weather messing up all your plans.
No, I am not PMSing. I am a man and not capable of producing blood out of my penis every 5 days a month. So stop judging.

Every night I go to the bed planning out certain things that I must do the next day and with this lady saying Hi every morning with a clumsy smile on her face, Miss nature should behave like a jolly good girl and encourage us to work with a positive attitude.
But there she is. Every freaking morning you get up and you believe that it's winter already. But why the hell are you sweating? And why are you still feeling cold? You need to remove that blanket of your body, but after 5 minutes you'll have to put it back on.

I checked my phone and there was a couple of unread WhatsApp messages. She messaged me saying "fine now :*" This was the first time she continued a conversation from the previous night. In 3 months and 23 days, she messaged me something early morning that's related to the previous night conversation. No matter how serious the previous night conversation was, she never talked about it the next morning. She behaved like it never happened. I used to get so freaking angry about it. But today was different.
I looked outside. The weather was gloomy like every morning. But today it was a bit different. A happiness that wasn't bothered about the clumsy weather outside.

A small thing? Stupid thing to get happy about? Who cares. It's not worth expecting things.. But a gift early morning, something different and there I was smiling for a reason that will be tagged petty by outsiders and maybe even by her. But thank you! :)

#NowListening - Sajnaa {Lamhaa}

GIDDY UP!!

"Poppie has peed on the sofa!"

The person who fails at failing to the person who is never employed but still enjoys a jovial lifestyle and the lady who sleeps around with random guys, they all meet up at Flat No. 5A. 

A place that guarantees you 3 things. 1. Laughter. 2. Laughter and 3. Laughter. It's an apartment which makes you laugh even when your real world seem to be messed up. 

"The Apartment of Jerry Seinfeld - Owner of flat number 5A."

1 year of innumerable laughter sessions which made me look like an insane person laughing around even when I wasn't watching Seinfeld. I wasn't into TV shows much when Shounak recommended this "SITCOM". Frankly speaking I didn't even have the idea about the exact definition of SITCOM.

But then after some nagging sessions with him, I started watching this SITCOM. 

 In the next one year, I experienced a lot of things. Getting a new gf, being a completely messed up relationship for 10 months, academic issues, continuous demotivation from my dad and FALANA FALANA. But somehow I managed to smile even in situations where my dad asked me to open a grocery shop because, according to him, my life was supposedly over.

While secretly planning things, there was this one little motivation in my life that kept me going. Neither it wasn't a human being, nor a pet animal which created a distraction to all the troubles. Actually there was no distraction at all. Seinfeld was the only thing that kept me happy and made sure I don't deviate from my own path.

It taught me to live a life with less complicated situations and deal with such complications in the easiest way possible. 

A TV show that has turned every single situation in a matter of laughter. From sickness to break ups, from engagements to resignations, Seinfeld had always taught me to bring up the positives from a situation even if the situation isn't offering any.

The way Kramer got inside Jerry's apartment, Elaine's over reaction, George's self believes in failing - everything seemed so bloody funny. And not to forget Newman's expert advices and his laughter. 

Seinfeld was a way of life. A sitcom that became my life and the only source of happiness in my life. But it was enough cause when nobody was there, Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George, Newman, Susan, Peterman, Mr. And Mrs. Costanza, Mr. And Mrs. Seinfeld, Mr. Steinbrenner made sure they do their part and contribute the necessary amount of relaxation I need to proceed and deal with situations.

Thank You Seinfeld. Thank You Monks. Thank You Apartment number 5A. Thank You Larry David.